NOTE: 1) All characters can be cast as male or female. In a few cases, substitutions will be needed in the script, for example, "Ms. Bigg," instead of, "Mr. Bigg," or, "son," instead of "daughter."
2) Production helps and costuming ideas can be found in the back of the conductor's book along with reproducible lyric sheets.
3) To accommodate large casts, whole classes may be used for each of the groups; children, rats, beavers, ducks, fish and studio workers.

HUMAN #1: No matter what they call it, it's still a dump to me.

HUMAN #2: It's a shame to ruin such a peaceful spot.

HUMAN #1: Just be happy it wasn't built next to YOUR house. Let's go. (They pick up their tools and walk off after throwing some garbage and food wrappers on the stage. Rats sneak on as music begins.)

WISECRACK: Stop, Stop! Everybody Stop! (Everyone stops and looks confused. Shouts of, "What's wrong?" etc. Wisecrack delivers his joke 'loud and clear'.) Hey. I've got another GREAT joke. (Moans from rats.) Want to hear it? Here goes. Here we all are. Caught - like RATS IN A RAP. (Laughs.) Get it? Rats in a RAP. (He laughs again. Mixed reactions from the crowd.)

TOBASCO: Wisecrack Rat, enough of your ridiculous jokes. You're ruining our celebration.

WISECRACK: But Mayor Tobasco, how can I stop? Jokes are my . . my GIFT!

TOBASCO: Gift? They're not a gift. In your case, they're a disease.

WISECRACK: (Feigning illness.) Oh! Oh! A Disease? Oh, I'm sick. I'm dying. (Falls against bystanders.) I've got a humor tumor. (Cough.) Oh! (Grabs own elbow.) I think I've broken my funny bone. Ouch. (Holds his side.) I think I've just cracked a joke! (Cackles and runs to one side.)

TOBASCO: (Interrupting, angry.) Muzzle that Rat. He's ruining our 100th anniversary celebration. . . and my speech. (He clears his throat for attention.) My fellow pack rats, keepers of the wood, members of that great, world wide rodent community, I welcome you to this day of celebration, the hundredth anniversary of our arrival in these woods, our ancestors having been led, of course, by that great rodent, my ancestor, (Said with reverence.) Tobasco The First.

CROWD: (Some polite applause and a few nods.)

WISECRACK: Ah, the Great Tobasco The First. Now there was a SAUCY fellow. (Laughs at own joke. Crowd turns quickly with stares of indignation at this indiscretion.) O.K., O.K. Can't anyone take a little joke?

TOBASCO: My ancestor was no joke. Enough of this impertinence. (Resumes speech.) Now, where was I? Oh yes. Ever since MY Ancestor, The Great Tobasco, THE FIRST, (Pauses to glare at Wisecrack.) broke off all dealings with humans, and led everyrat away from their troubles in the town, we have enjoyed uninterrupted peace, prosperity . . (Yuppie rats - Porsche and Ferrari interrupt with enthusiastic applause.)

PORSCHE: Prosperity, that's what we need. Especially the prosperity.

FERARRI: I'd DIE without prosperity. (Displays necklace of shiny things.)

TOBASCO: (Somewhat annoyed with the interruptions.) Yes, thank you Porsche and Ferarri. As I was saying, . . . we have enjoyed . .UNINTERRUPTED . . (Looks slowly at the interrupters.) peace and prosperity for one hundred years in this beautiful setting. We have left behind that evil reputation of our ancestors. (Rats look bored and start to yawn.) We have left behind our life in the gutters of the town for a NEW, CLEAN, LIFE here in the woods, (Pause for audience approval.) . . living by our ancient Pack Rat motto:

ALL: (Hands on hearts.)

YOU BETTER KEEP THE WOODS CLEAN, YOU'LL STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.

YOU BETTER KEEP THE WOODS CLEAN, AND DO IT ON THE DOUBLE.

A CLEAN HOME IS OUR HOME, WE LIKE IT THAT WAY,

SO KEEP IT REAL CLEAN IF YOU WANT TO STAY.

COLA: (Dressed like a professor. He looks down over his glasses as he speaks.) Which brings us to a very important issue. How do you explain the people who were here not ten minutes ago?

TOBASCO: (Condescending.) Yes, yes my dear old COLA. I'm sure it's just a classic case of humans leaving a pile of interesting litter for us to sort through. Let's not alarm the women and ratlets.

COLA: Well, what about that sign?

TOBASCO: I'm sure it's not important. Let's not ruin this nice day with . .

COLA: Let me tell you a thing or two my young Tobasco. (Brandishes his cane.) Humans don't just drop signs out of their back pockets when they're wandering through the woods. They are coming to stay, I tell you. And, since I'm the only one who has learned to read around here, that sign says, (Adjusts glasses and reads importantly while rats admire him.) "New ___________(Name of town.) Landfill, Dump." Now I don't know about this landfill business, but I can tell you they mean to dump all of their garbage here on our forest.

FERRARI: Here? (Excited.) Lots and lots of garbage here? Hey, I think that's just GREAT! No more searching through the woods for shiny things.

PORSCHE: Everything we want delivered right to our doorstep.

WISECRACK: We would have the pick of the litter.

FERRARI: No more pine cone seeds for lunch.

PORSCHE: It will be great. Breakfast in bed everyday and . .

COLA: I'm afraid you don't quite understand . .

RAT# 1: (Yelling.) Humans! Run for it! (Enter two people with garbage.)

PERSON: (Talking non-stop.) Oh, look dear. What a beautiful site for a dump; all these lovely trees and things. Oh, I love getting back to nature. (They fling garbage away. Bags fall open and contents scatter everywhere.) There's a cute little bird over there. Isn't it lovely dear. (Stops abruptly and points toward audience.) Say, there are some very strange looking creatures over there. (She talks until they exit.) I love the birds and the bees and the grass and those hills over there and the . . . (Enter people; some in overalls with green bags stuffed with paper, other people in everyday dress with various items in near-new condition. Two struggle in with a large T.V. People in coveralls chant as they enter.)

HUMANS: STACK THE GARBAGE; UP, HIGH.

COVER IT UP, BYE, BYE.

WILL IT ROT IN A THOUSAND YEARS?

WE DON'T CARE, WE WON'T BE HERE.

WE DON'T CARE, WE WON'T BE HERE.

(Repeat as necessary, until all humans are off. One or two rats start to sneak out and then scamper as Robin and his dad enter. Dad is carrying what appears to be a new bike minus the front wheel.)

ROBIN: (Agitated.) But Dad, there's not much wrong with it really. We could fix it up!

DAD: (Equally agitated.) We've been through this before, son. Time is money. I haven't got the time. I'll buy you a new bike.

ROBIN: Well, couldn't we give it to the thrift store or something? Someone may be able to use it.

DAD: NO! Now let's get back to the truck.

ROBIN: But Dad, look at all the things that have been left here. We could take a lot of this stuff to the recycle depot.

DAD: What's gotten into you lately, son? Now you want to start carting things AWAY from the dump. We never used to worry about a little garbage. It hasn't bothered anyone yet. They cover it up with dirt and it's gone. No more worry, and besides we just don't have the time. (Drags Robin off by the arm.)

WISECRACK: The coast is clear. Come on out everyone. (Rats slowly reappear.) Wow. Look at this mess will you. It's a regular RAT'S NEST.

TOBASCO: (Frustrated.) Enough of your silly jokes. (Wisecrack shrugs and smiles.)

COLA: Gather around fellow pack rats and look at this example of man's foolishness. He has collected so many things for his nest that he just throws them away. Now a pack rat would savour each item, (Examines something interesting.) and keep it and use it and pass it on to his children. Men just pile it altogether and throw it away.

FERARRI: It makes ME want to throw up.

PORSCHE: Well at least it's over with.

COLA: Oh no it's not. This goes on day after day, week in week out, all year long, till this whole place is covered.

PORSCHE: What a waste.

FERARRI: (Rummaging through things. Pulls out an old shirt.) Definitely not Marks and Spencer. (Or name of any high fashion store.)

PORSCHE: Hey, where are the crackers and patte de fois? (Holds tin for Ferarri to sniff.)

FERARRI: (Sniffs and coughs.) This isn't at ALL like I thought it would be.

PORSCHE: Breakfast in bed? How about this? (Holds an open bag under Porsche's nose.)

FERARRI: (Holding stomach.) Oh, I don't feel well.

PORSCHE: This stuff stinks. (Song begins and rats pick up garbage to form a steel band; lids for drums, bottles for shakers etc.)

 COLA: Well, there has to be SOMETHING here a rat can use. (Rats move in cautiously to examine garbage.) What have we got here? Here are some perfectly good paper bags and some boxes.

RAT #1: Oh, I'll take those home and store things in them. (As each item is removed, more of the TV is revealed.)

COLA: And some glass bottles.

RAT #2: (Takes bottles.) Hey these are neat. Why do they throw them away?

COLA: Here are some plastic jugs. Smell a bit like milk.

RAT #3: I can use those in my garden.

RAT #4: What's this, old timer? (Tries to ride broken bike as others hold him.)

COLA: That strange conveyance is a . . . cycle. I was nearly run over by one back a few years. They don't smell like cars. And they're quiet. Makes them very dangerous.

RAT #4: (Trying to ride again while sitting backward on the handlebars.) But just what did that young human mean by recycling? I can't get this thing to work at all.

COLA: I'm afraid that's it folks. (Crowd sighs.) The rest is just plain GARBAGE. Look at this will you. This container is plastic, paper and metal. No way to recycle this, even for a rat.

RAT #5: What's this? (Turns TV to face audience.)

FERARRI: Looks like some kind of giant eye.

PORSCHE: It's staring at us. How rude.

COLA: Well, I know you might find it hard to believe, but let me tell you about this thing. (Rats huddle close while Cola whispers. Some heads pop up to glance at TV.)

WISECRACK: Come on Cola, you're just trying to pull our tails.

COLA: No, I'm afraid it's all true, Wisecrack. I saw it with my own eyes. When I was a young and foolish ratlet, I snuck down into town against my elder's advice, to the house of (School principal's name.) I looked in the window and there it was; THE GIANT EYE. I was so disgusted that I vowed never to go back, and I haven't.

WISECRACK: That's incredible.

RAT #2: Don't those humans know anything?

TOBASCO: That settles it. This means war! Something must be done and done now. We'll rally all of the animals. We'll march into town and get to the root of the problem. I'm leaving now with a delegation. Who will go with me? (Enthusiastic response from rats.)

COLA: NOW REMEMBER, there will be dangers; cycles, cars, trucks, guns and traps. (Many hands down.) And remember, (Looks around suspiciously.) we still don't know when that awful Pied Piper will show up again.

TOBASCO: Volunteers? (Points to make selection.) I'll take you, and . . you, and you and . . .

WISECRACK: Okay, fellow rats, let's blow this dump.

(Marching to war song. The cast selects various implements of war from the garbage pile and exits as song begins to fade.)

(At the beaver's home in the forest. Max and Beau enter. They sit down on stumps and open their lunch-kits. Beau tucks a napkin into his collar while Max stares anxiously at Beau's lunch.)

MAX: What you got for lunch, Beau?

BEAU: Oh, let's see. . (Gloats over each item.) There's some pickled birch bark and willow leaves and some apple twigs with spruce sap sauce. And for dessert, my favourite, cherry stump pie and a nice cold ROOT beer. How about you?

MAX: (Discouraged) The usual. Cedar chips and a pine sandwich again. (Pulls a board from his lunch kit and drops it back in. Rats enter.)

WISECRACK: Hey, it's the beavers. How are you doing brother rodents? (High fives etc.)

MAX: W-w-hat 'cha doing guys?

TOBASCO: Marching off to make war on humans. We're tired of having garbage dumped on our homes.

BEAU: Oh. Thought a smart bunch of rats like you would stay away from them.

TOBASCO: We need your help!

WISECRACK: Want to join us fellows?

MAX: No. Can't.

BEAU: We're just TOOO busy.

MAX: Just as busy as beavers. (Loud laugh at own joke. He slaps Wisecrack on the back.) Get it, Wisecrack?

BEAU: We're just chomping at the bit to get at these trees.

COLA: What are you doing?

MAX: Chopping them all down, of course.

COLA: All of them?

MAX: Of course. We gotta get 'em before the people chop them all down and take 'em away.

(At the duck's home in the marsh. Rats enter.)

TOBASCO: Here we are at the swamp. Must be about half way to town.

WISECRACK: Hey, I used to come here as a ratlet. I just love coming to the marsh.

TOBASCO: Why?

WISECRACK: It makes me feel so MELLOW. Get it? MARSH MELLOW.

ALL: Stop it!

WISECRACK: O.K.

COLA: Oh there's the ducks. (Ducks begin to enter.)

TOBASCO: Maybe they will help us on our quest!

WISECRACK: Let's ask them if living here is all it's quacked up to be.

TOBASCO: You'll do nothing of the kind.

WISECRACK: Don't worry about me. ConsideRAT is my middle name. (Ducks enter and approach the rats.)

QUIRK: It's Wisequack Wat.

QUARK: Aren't you the little Rat that told us we were a bunch of quackers?

QUIRK: That's him all right.

WISECRACK: Say Quirk and Quark, how's the nature of things here in the swamp?

QUARK: (Agitated.) Things are pretty bad. Living this close to humans, you never know what's going to happen to your nest.

QUIRK: Now don't get yourself in a flap, dear.

QUARK: But it's terrible! One week it's hunters tramping through with their dogs barking and carrying on, the next, trucks arrive and start filling in our home with dirt and rocks and old junk.

PORSCHE: Let's just get directions and get out of here.

FERARRI: Yes, let's. (Enter Soul and friends.)

TOBASCO: There's some fish now. What a sorry looking mess they are.

WISECRACK: I'd say that they were a fine kettle of fish. Hey, its Brother (or Sister) Soul. How you been?

SOUL: Hey, it's the rad rats. It's a long time since you were here. What's up? (Coughs and swallows some pills.)

TOBASCO: We're off to war against humans.

SOUL: Same old tricks again.

TOBASCO: We've had it with all the garbage.

SOUL: Ain't it the truth. So have we. Life hasn't been easy for us fish. (Swallows more pills.) At least you can move on. We're trapped here in the river. You wouldn't believe what men dump on our heads. We can't go downstream. Wherever we go, it goes; clogging our gills. What I wouldn't give for some COOL water.

SOUL: I think I need some pills. (Coughs and swallows more pills.)

TOBASCO: It looks like you're in worse shape than we are. We'll see what we can do for you. Can you tell us how to get across here into town?

SOUL: Sure. You just go around the bend and over the bridge. Just what are you going to do when you get there?

PAT: Hey Jody, what have you got for a snack? I ate my chips and I'm still starving. (Throws wrapper in the direction of the garbage can.)

JODY: Well, I had this wonderful chocolate pudding and pop, but I've finished too.

PAT: There's got to be some more food around here some place. Say, there's our buddy, Robin Jones. Let's go get his snack. (Rush over to Robin who is sitting quietly to one side with Chris and is just starting on an apple.) Hey, Robin, what you got for a snack?

ROBIN: Just this apple.

JODY: Haven't you got anything better?

PAT: Like pop?

JODY: Or chips?

PAT: Or maybe a chocolate bar stashed in your pockets? (Taps Robin's pockets hopefully.)

ROBIN: Sorry guys. Mom doesn't pack that kind of stuff. Our family is trying to cut down on the amount of packaging.

PAT: (Imitating Robin.) Our family is trying to cut down on the amount of packaging. What a bunch of crock! You on that environment kick again. Look around you. (Gestures at garbage.) Think it will make any difference?

JODY: Hey gang, Mr. Environment here is going to save the world. (Group gathers around.)

ROBIN: Don't you care about this mess? Do you like living in this pig pen? Why don't you do something about it?

PAT: Maybe I'll just get you to EAT all of it.

CHRIS: Great thinking Pat. You don't have a better plan so you resort to threats. Maybe your brain has been affected by all that junk food. (Crowd laughs.)

PAT: Ah what's the use arguing with you superior intellects. What do you think you're going to do, clean up the whole world by yourself?

JODY: Maybe your dad will finally let you go on his T.V. station and tell everybody to clean the place up. Maybe he will start that series on the environment that you keep telling us you're going to write.

PAT: (Imitating TV announcer. Very exaggerated.) And now it's time for the world's faaaavourite game show, THE GARBAGE IS RIPE." And here is MR. GARBAGE himself, Robin Joooooooones.

JODY: Why don't you try it, Robin? Ask your dad.

ROBIN: I have, over and over. He's says he's concerned but he's always worried about losing sponsors and things like that. (Imitates dad's voice.) "If I air those views," he says, "I'll lose valuable sponsors. I can't afford it. Our family has to eat, son." No, dad won't do it. I'll just have to convince everyone to do their best.

JODY: Like the crowd around here?

ROBIN: They could make a start.

PAT: But they're not.

JODY: . . and they won't.

ROBIN: But they might if we try.

PAT: Your optimism is inspiring.

JODY: It's so. . so . . optimistic.

ROBIN: It's better than doing nothing. Why don't you help?

JODY: Me?

ROBIN: Why not?

JODY: I'll make you a deal, Mr. Clean. The day you get that old man of yours to do that show on the environment, we'll do OUR part. We'll pick up garbage for a year and stop eating junk food.

CHRIS: And I'll make YOU a deal, Mr. Negative. When Robin succeeds, I'll make you a nice friendly lunch to start you off on the right foot. Deal? (Offers a handshake.)

JODY: Yea, it's a deal. We'll do it. Right, Pat?

PAT: Well. . . friendly lunch? No pop? No chips? No chocolate pudding? (Looking trapped.) I will if THEY all will. What do you say people? (Nods and mumbles of assent - Pat is not too pleased.) Yea, I guess it's a deal. Let's go play, before you sign us up for Greenpeace. (Other children leave.)

CHRIS: Well, I actually think you're getting somewhere with them.

ROBIN: Well maybe. I think they probably would take action if they thought it would work, but you and I both know that my Dad will never give in to do a series on the environment. On my allowance, I'll be a hundred years old before I can buy time for a thirty second commercial.

COLA: (Stage whisper.) Say isn't that the boy at the dump who wanted to do something about garbage?

WISECRACK: Yes, it is. It looks like SOME humans are sympathetic to our cause anyway.

COLA: Yes it does. Maybe they could help us.

TOBASCO: No. They wouldn't understand. Humans and rats never have been able to get along.

COLA: Maybe the time has come.

CHRIS: Look at this mess.

ROBIN: Help me clean it up. (Starts to pick up garbage.)

CHRIS: What a rat's nest.

WISECRACK: (Jumping into view.) - Wait just a minute. That's my line. (Others drag him out of sight.) Oops, we've been spotted.

CHRIS: What was that?

WISECRACK: (As children approach.) Caught. Like rats in a trap. (Stares of disapproval from others.)

ROBIN: I don't know. Let's take a look. (Goes over to barrel. Rats cower.) It looks like a bunch of rats. I've never seen any around here before.

WISECRACK: (Advancing suddenly on the children and using a gangster voice.) O.K. Just take it easy see. Just move on back and nobody will get hurt, see.

FERARRI: Now you've done it.

PORSCHE: We'll end up in a zoo.

CHRIS: Oh, they're cute.

WISECRACK: "Oh, they're cute." There's nothing worse than being called cute.

ROBIN: What are you guys doing here?

TOBASCO: We've come to declare war on humankind. They're messing up our dump, I mean our home.

COLA: What Tobasco means, is that a garbage dump has been built right on top of our homes.

ROBIN: You mean the new (Name of town.)__________________ Landfill.

TOBASCO: Dump.

CHRIS: How awful.

FERARRI: And we can't stand it anymore.

PORSCHE: It's war.

ROBIN: What are you going to do?

COLA: We've been having some problems with that.

ROBIN: It's not easy to explain. I don't really understand it myself. It's all about sponsors and commercials and programming, but we just might convince him to do something, but you'll have to help. What do you say, Rats?

ALL RATS: (Huddle and talk for a few seconds.) Yea! (Cheers etc. - marching song starts.)

DAD: We should SEE them out. Go now, Robin. Mr. Bigg doesn't have the time to listen . .

MR. BIGG: (Interrupting.) I think I can fit this into my schedule.

DAD: But what possible interest can you have in . . .

MR. BIGG: (Interrupting again.) SIT! (Turning to Cola.) Now why don't we start with you?

COLA: Well, we rats have been around here for a long time. We have been watching men and frankly you have been making a big mess of things. You've left garbage all over our homes and the birds can't breathe and the duck's home is being filled in and the beavers . . well they're busy cutting down all the trees so you can't get them and the fish are about to go belly up. It's just gone too far!

FERARRI: (Loud and out of place.) And we're not going to take it anymore!

PORSCHE: We're revolting!

COLA: Thank-you brother rats. (They look embarrassed.) May I continue? You humans seem to have lost touch with mother nature. Well let me tell you, she's not happy. Now you humans may not remember the last time mother got upset, but we rats do and I can tell you it was cold for a very, very long time. If you humans don't do something soon, it won't just be the rats that suffer. And I don't need to tell you who has the better fur when it comes to long winters.

DAD: Well, that's all very true. The fate of the animals is man's fate too, but as I told my son, it's not so simple to change. I've got sponsors to consider. (Smiles at Bigg.) Sponsors want audience appeal and besides, if people get too serious about the environment, the sponsors might lose business. Customers will stop buying products that we advertise. I sympathize. I feel sorry for your friends, but it just won't work. ROBIN: (Dejected.) I guess you're right, Dad. That's the way it is. Sorry, rats. Let's go. We tried.

MR. BIGG: Now hold on here. Maybe we should think this over.

DAD: What? Why?

MR. BIGG: You know that my company, Bigg Industries, has been under considerable pressure lately, from environmental groups and concerned citizen types. You know it just might be GOOD for the Bigg Industry image to support environmental concerns. (Ponders a minute.) Take this down, Jones. (Hands Dad a note pad and turns to the rats.) First, we sponsor a recycling depot next to your home. You rats could be in charge. It would certainly clean up your home, and (Pats Porsche on the head.) you could have the pick of the litter. Next, (Turning to Dad.) we bring out a new environmentally friendly line of products. Got that?

DAD: Yes sir.

BIGG: Finally, we package it all together with a new television series on the environment. It would be great for business, (Rats look angry and advance on Bigg who starts to look nervous.) . . and the environment of course. And these rats here might have the audience appeal we need to kick off a great television series on the environment.

WISECRACK: Me, on television? I could tell jokes.

MR. BIGG: YOU could be censored.

ROBIN: Well I don't know. It doesn't sound very sincere to me.

DAD: (Scolding.) Robin.

MR. BIGG: Maybe not, son, but tell me are you going to get a better shot at changing things? For now, it's probably the best deal you're going to get. What do you say?

TOBASCO: What about the ducks, and the fish?

MR. BIGG: You do what you can, and convince people to do their bit. There's no telling what will happen if you keep trying. You have to motivate people, convince them. (Looks at Dad.) I do it all the time.

ROBIN: What do you say, rats? (They huddle and whisper.)

TOBASCO: Mr. Bigg, you've got a deal.

(On the air at the end of environmental television program #1. Whole cast, or representatives of each group on stage for finale.)

ANNOUNCER: And that about wraps up part one of our special series on the environment. Brought to you by Bigg Industries. Remember to look for their new, environmentally friendly line of products.

WISECRACK: Well folks, that about RATS things up. Get it? RATS things up. (others grab Wisecrack and start to drag him away) I say, what did one cat say to the other? That's RAT up my alley. Get it? RAT up my alley. Oh I love it. Did you hear the new song on the radio. Drop RAT in Set RAT down. Hey, a funny thing happened RAT here in town, a rat trips this shoplifter as he's running out of ______________ (Name of local store.). The shoplifter gets up and says, "Please don't RAT on me." Get it? Don't RAT on me. Oh your a wonderful audience. I love you. (Curtain.) Oh no it's curtains for all of us! (Final cackle as curtain closes.)